We improvise

Here's Ian. He's almost nine months old. For the past week or so, he's been working on his top four teeth. The two in the center have poked, angled, nudged and maybe ripped through the gums. However they did it, it was painful. They're out and on their way to being fully installed baby teeth. He now enjoys grinding them audibly against his lower two teeth, making his mama cringe. The two upper incisors on each side of the center top two are still bulging painfully behind pink gums, stretched to white in places.

Ian and I are sitting in the car, in the garage this rainy morning. He has been fighting sleep for the past hour. I'm feeling under the weather with allergies and what might be the beginnings of arthritis--the symptoms seem to fit the description, anyway. Suffice it to say, neither Ian nor I are feeling our best today. 

We're sitting in the garage because after that hour of Ian fighting sleep, I decided to put him in the car and take a few things back to Target. Target is a 25-minute drive from our new place; it was 5 minutes or less from us before. There are ample upsides to this inconvenience, and I have no regrets.

So, I strapped a cranky Ian into his carseat, threw my purse/diaper bag in the front seat, went back into the house for a thing or two, came out, and sure enough, he was peacefully asleep. I started the engine, put the car in Reverse... then back to Park, then turned off the engine, rolled all the windows down and fetched the laptop. If he's going to sleep, I'm not going to waste that time and energy driving in the rain. I didn't really want to leave the house today anyway. I've had writer's block for a long time, and I thought I would dust off this blog and maybe another one I've neglected. There are four windows(!) and a lovely view from our garage, so much so that we might convert it to a den at some point.

Camping out in the front seat while Ian snoozes in the back reminds me of driving the girls around to get them to nod off when they were babies and toddlers. Sometimes I'd finally get them to sleep in the Starbuck's drive-thru, then park nearby, sip my coffee and read a book until they woke up. I took my breaks where I could get them, tried to extend the girls' naps where I could. It wasn't so bad. I'd roll down the windows, sniff the breeze and enjoy watching the swaying leaves and whatever was blooming in the parking lot medians. Was it exactly what I wanted or needed to do? No, but it was good enough. We improvised. I wasn't being productive, I was taking a break, and that was nice. I could see the girls' sweet little angel faces every time I glanced in the mirror or turned around.

Rachel

Natalie

These days, unless we're on a long road trip, Natalie doesn't sleep in the car. Rachel will still catch a catnap in the car, quite intentionally sometimes. She usually wakes up miffed about waking up.

At this moment, Natalie is in Kindergarten, and Rachel is in preschool. I have a sink full of dirty dishes, and piles of laundry to do. There are messes in need of tidying in almost every room. I am sitting with a peacefully sleeping baby in the car, in the garage, and that's okay with me.

Why breastfeeding sucks right now, but will be completely worth it later.

I'm now breastfeeding my third child, which might make you think I'm some sort of instant pro at it. You might be thinking, "how hard could it be?" Unless of course, you've tried it. Then you might be thinking, "well she must be good at it, " or "she must have babies who nurse well."

I'm here to tell you that whenever the experts (doctors, lactation consultants, La Leche League literature) say "it shouldn't hurt," that's really a half-truth at best. What they should tell you is that it will very likely involve some soreness, possibly some real pain in the beginning, but that the soreness won't last forever and there are remedies to get you through it. And it's worth it to get through it.

Because for me, the first week ALWAYS hurts. It always involves soreness, no matter how fantastically baby latches on for the first time or the first ten times. Yes, it's important to pay attention to positioning and make sure your baby latches on as well as possible. But that's NOT going to prevent you from having any pain whatsoever. Here's how I know this: even pumping hurts for me in the first week. A pump really can't have a bad latch unless you've fallen asleep and let the thing slide off your nipple and onto bare skin (this happened to a friend--ouch!) But a pump will suck on you, and if your hormones make you engorged and extra sensitive in the nipple region, this sucking is going to hurt, at least mildly and temporarily.

Pumping aside, my babies have ferociously strong sucking instincts, especially in those early colostrum-only days. You know, approximately days 1-3, when your easy-flowing milk isn't there yet. Rob was complaining that his pinky hurt after newborn Rachel and Ian sucked on it. Think about the nerve endings in your pinky, and multiply that by about 20, then again by the 12-16x a day they want to nurse. Ouch.

Then add engorgement to the mix. Day 2 or 3 for me. Those soft breasts turn hot, hard and angry. In my case, they don't seem to want to give up all that milk right away, either. The bumpy, hard nipple/areola is harder for baby to get and keep a good latch on. Fortunately there are some remedies for this, too.

By Day 5 or so, things can soften and calm down to the point where it feels like the worst damage is over, the healing is beginning, and I don't need to marshal so many remedies and preventive measures to get through each feeding. By next month, Ian might be able to latch himself on properly in the dark, as Rachel did by that age. Until then, if I diligently position him well and do just a few things to make for a better latch, we'll keep on trucking and I can be reasonably confident that the worst is well over.

The good news is that after the first month or so, you and baby will have learned each other and the process so well, that you hit payoff mode, where things get good and start to get better and better.

Payoff:

• Baby's digestive system will be happier with breastmilk than formula, resulting in fewer blowouts, less gas and stomach/GI pain. (We switched to formula at 8 months with Natalie and holy moly, the blowouts!) Less need to burp.
• Breastmilk is a natural sedative for baby at night, and the hormones are a natural sedative for you. Result: You both get back to sleep faster than you would otherwise.
• Breastmilk is free (after the initial month's investment, getting over the pain), and always available at the right temperature. No storage/contamination concerns.
• You will lose weight effortlessly, or be able to eat whatever you want without gaining weight.
• Nursing is the best tantrum tamer, if you make it into the toddler years. This is the single biggest reason why I nursed Rachel until age 2-1/2.
• Those cluster feedings that drive you crazy and keep you and baby tethered to each other during the first month? They go away shortly after that, unless baby is sick or something. The feedings gradually space themselves further and further apart. 
• Baby gets more efficient at nursing. What used to take 20 minutes will soon take 5. Yeah!
• Nursing babies rarely, if ever, get constipated. Having gone through constipation with Natalie--believe me, it's best avoided if possible.
• Built-in bonding.
• Possibly fewer ear infections and illnesses. Knocking on wood here, but so far none of my kids has had an ear infection. Ever.

Here's an overview of what I've learned or remembered this time:

Engorgement:

• Dry heat really is your friend. Heat up a rice sock or heating pad and hold it against the engorged flesh of your breast. Not your nipple--I bet that would hurt. Do this for a minute or two prior to starting the feeding, and massage the breast tissue (gently) to help open up those milk ducts.
• Pumping is your enemy when you're engorged. Use it only as a last resort to relieve engorgement, because it tends to backfire--you'll be just as engorged or worse in an hour or two.
• This came from a lactation consultant, and I wish I knew about it earlier! Prior to latching the baby on, surround your nipple with your fingertips, push back against the areola toward the chest wall, then gently pull the nipple out to extend it. This momentarily softens the areola and lengthens the nipple, which makes it easier for the baby to correctly latch on (and stay on).
• Don't be afraid to nurse frequently, but do feel free to cut your baby off it's just dragging on too long and you're hurting. Switch sides, if nothing else. This will give you and your baby and chance to practice that pinky-unlock thing you have to do to get them unlatched if they're not letting go.
• Ibuprofen might be your friend, too. It's anti-inflammatory, which might help somewhat with the engorgement. It helped me.

Nipple soreness:

• Have your baby nurse on the less sore side first, because he/she is going to suck harder at the beginning of the feeding. When you switch sides, the suck should be less intense, giving your more damaged nipple more of a chance to heal.
• Use lanolin--apply after each feeding and before covering up your nipples, so that they don't scab and get stuck to the inside of your bra.
• Those soothing gel pads are only helpful for maybe 24 hours. I used mine too long, found that they started adding to the pain, then promptly threw them in the trash, and have felt better ever since.

Getting a good latch:

• Feed in a quiet, reasonably well-lit room in the beginning. Kids barging in or a too-dark room can make for accidental bad latches.
• Don't re-latch your baby 5-10 times trying to get the perfect latch. It will hurt worst in the first 15-30 seconds of the feed, then ease up (to hurting less or not at all) after that. If it's really a bad latch, it will hurt too much for you to continue beyond 15-30 seconds.
• Those little baby arms and hands are going to get in the way at first. Experiment with swaddling to wrap the arms down, but if that results in more frustration for your baby (and ultimately, you), unwrap the arms and do your best to patiently work with your baby until he/she understands that the hands have to be out of the way in order to nurse. I find myself saying, "arms down" to remind Ian of this, though that's probably more for my memory than his.
• The asymmetrical latch works well--just don't forget to line up baby's belly against yours and cradle the base of his/her neck with your hand properly before attempting to latch on. This positioning really helps.
• Cross-cradle hold is the easiest one to get right at first. It puts you more in control of your baby. It's not so friendly on your back, in my experience, but you can work on easing things up on our back after your nipples are okay. Take your time working up to side-lying or cradle hold. Football hold works best in armless chairs (or in the middle of a couch.) But it's not my forte, so I'll just list it as another option.

Here he is! Ian Leonard Linton

After a cozy (for him) 41 weeks and 1 day in the womb, Ian Leonard Linton joined our family at 7:51AM on Sunday, July 13, 2014.

I will get around to writing the birth story and what has followed soon. For now, I'm going to follow the sage advice to nap while the baby is napping. Especially since I didn't do that this morning.

He's so precious. I am nowhere near tired and gazing at that sweet face, which is good, because we're spending almost 24/7 together these days.

Natalie and Rachel are beyond excited to have their baby brother. I remind them a hundred times a day not to mess with him while he's sleeping, but they can't resist. At least they're pretty gentle about it.

Things I'm Enjoying at 9 Months Pregnant

Being 9 months pregnant is no picnic, any mother who remembers will tell you. I say "who remembers", because I know that these days will quickly get blurred into obscurity after the baby arrives. Bringing a baby into the world is such a monumental change, it tends to eclipse what came before it. Yes, even if you've done it all before.

I'd wager that no woman in Texas history has ever been sorry to have a summer baby arrive a little early. It's hot out there. But this post isn't supposed to be about complaining--there are actually some things I'm enjoying at 9 months pregnant, and I feel like that's worth writing about. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. The slow pace. I am not one to naturally take life slowly. It usually takes a force beyond my control to consistently slow me down. In this case, I am physically limited. I can't plan an action-packed day or weekend, because I know I just don't have the stamina to get through it. I can do relatively easy things, slowly. I have to take breaks. I can't take on big projects, or plan vacations (except in the distant future). Lucky for me, I have a very supportive and understanding husband who has adapted to the situation and makes sure I get a break from the kids in the evenings. He's taking them to the YMCA every evening while I read, or go for a short walk, or just relax. Since I've been on maternity leave, I've watched seasons 1-4 of Downton Abbey and read an entire book so far. I'm on my next book now.

2. Sweet moments with my daughters. We are coming upon the end of an era, and the days of just Natalie and Rachel and me feel sweeter for it. I enjoy their laughter, smiles, silly and cuddly moments. I can't read to both of them in my lap anymore, but they've adapted. Things are relatively simple and easy with them right now, and they're nowhere near as high-maintenance as a baby will be. I know that and I treasure it.

3. The scenery. June may be uncomfortably hot and humid in Austin, but it sure is pretty, especially this year. All the Crape Myrtles at my house and around town are bursting with blooms this year. Everything looks lush and vibrant. The "jungle" look is still here--it's not hot or dry enough to chase that away yet. Sure, there are mosquitos, but I can sit on the back porch among the citronella candles and incense and be comfortable enough. The garden is in maintenance mode at this point, both because I'm so far along and because the season is--this is the gardener's respite between busy seasons, except for watering, which hasn't been too demanding yet this year. I get to sit back, relax and enjoy.

4. Nesting. Though it's tiring, nesting is also fun for me. I spent four days last week preparing big-batch crockpot meals, serving them to the family at dinner, and squirreling away the leftovers in the freezer for after baby's arrival. After four days, I was ready for a couple of days of take-out, but it was fun to get into the groove of preparing meals. I have tackled a few small cleaning and organizing projects. I've taken in some baby toys and gear. The bassinet is ready to go. My bag is packed for the birthing center. Doing all of that was exciting, something to focus on while anticipating an exciting change.

5. Sleep. I'm so close to holding this baby in my arms, I can taste it. But the sleepless nights haven't set in yet. I'm still in the stage of sweet anticipation. Okay, I'm not sleeping like a champ--I still wake up at least once a night, and turning over is not comfortable. But I can get back to sleep and get in a reasonable number of hours. When my girls are napping, I can (and do) take at least a power nap. Sleeping in, when I can get away with it, feels great.

Acceptable losses

Hi there,

Did I mention that Linton baby #3 is on the way, due July 5th? And it's a boy? Yeah. Cool, and daunting at the same time.

But not that daunting. After all, we've done this twice already. We have established our family culture, for better or worse.

Sometimes I find myself trying to push back the cobwebs in my memory to remember the newborn days with Natalie and later Rachel, and remember what we've learned so far.

This morning as I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes, I came across a cold bowl of oatmeal with only one or two bites missing. Ah-ha, acceptable losses. In my early days as a parent, I would have fretted over that bowl. I would have inwardly berated myself for letting my kids waste food, or scolded myself for not doing enough to encourage them to eat it. Outwardly I might have tried to coax (or drag) a reluctant kid back to the table to finish it. Or put it in the fridge and presented it later, insisting that they finish it before eating something else. And I did win a few of those battles, but the repeated experience taught me that 5 cents' worth of oatmeal isn't worth spending my energy on. I put it in the compost bucket and move on.

With oatmeal in particular, the girls treasure the morning ritual around it. Sometimes they eat the whole bowl. Most times they eat some and leave some in the bowl. Some days, like today, they take a bite or two and forget about the rest. I ask them to bring their used dishes to the counter when they finish their food. I've calmly repeated this instruction the requisite 1,000 times, and now they often (but not always) do it unprompted. In the case of the girls' putting their dishes on the counter, I've decided through repeat interactions that it is worth my time to ask them to clean up after themselves, even though it's often easier for me to do it myself.

I've had similar internal and external battles over wasted water, sand, toilet paper, construction paper, etc. There's a gradual cost-benefit analysis that happens, and I eventually decide whether to choose that battle or not. I reserve the right to change my mind, too.

As an 18-month-old, Rachel used to rip plants out of my garden. If you know how much I love plants and gardening, you know that was an ultimate character test. I failed a few times (found myself yelling at her) before I got better at coping. Eventually, I designated "okay to cut" plants and spots where she could dig in the dirt and pull things up. And if she pulls up something I care about, I take a deep breath and calmly remind her which plants are okay to pull, which are not. If I really can't take it, we all go back inside.

Above all, I no longer beat myself up over wasted materials. "It's the cost of doing business," one might say, when it comes to being a stay-at-home parent. I have a little bit of an environmentalist streak, as well as an efficiency streak, that used to really make me cringe at all the waste. I can say now, 4.5 years into the whole parenting thing, with two kids and another on the way, I am over it.

I remind myself that I make up for that wastefulness in other ways. I shower every other day (not because I'm so conscientious--I'm just comfortable with that routine and I don't feel dirty until 48 hours post-shower. But I can still take credit.) I set good examples by reusing items when possible, without being a hoarder about it. I compost and recycle. We don't upsize--we are keeping the not-so-big house that we have, in the neighborhood that we love.

"Don't sweat the small stuff" applies here, but it's not specific enough for me. I had to figure out what was actually small to me, and what was big. Harmony in the household is big. Spills are small. Teaching my kids to clean up after themselves is big. Their doing it perfectly or immediately is small.

What do I want them to teach their kids as they raise them? That should be a guiding question in my mind as I tackle these minor aggravations. I want them to be able to rise above their minor aggravations and value the relationship above all.

Every increment to the family is a bump up in the level of chaos and minor aggravations, sometimes major ones. Another ball in the air for the juggling act. Hey, it'll make me a better juggler. And, turns out, I love kids. (We're stopping at 3, though!)

Late night update

Well, this is a long overdue update, isn't it?

I'm up in the middle of the night, as I am every night lately, thanks to lingering congestion from this year's round of Cedar Fever. Oh, and I'm pregnant. That might have something to do with the congestion, too.

Yeah, wow, Linton baby #3 is on the way! The due date is July 5, 2014. Natalie is now 4-1/2, and Rachel's 3rd birthday is coming up mid-February. They'll be 5 and 3-1/2, respectively, when the baby arrives. Of course, I don't know how things will play out. It's never easy having a baby, but I think this time it might be somewhat easier than when I had Rachel, when Natalie was 19 months old, and not in any kind of childcare program. The girls go to preschool Monday-Wednesday-Friday now.  I have a part-time, work-from-home job now, since almost a year ago. Lots of things have changed.

To answer the obvious baby questions: No, this was not an accident. We did this on purpose. We're hoping for a healthy, happy baby, and gender isn't much of a factor for us. Lots of people want us to have a boy, since we already have two girls. We won't be able to find out what we're having for at least a week, at the 18-week appointment, or possibly a month after that, at the 22-week appointment. Maybe I can sweet talk the midwife at the birthing center into giving me a quick sonogram to take a peek at gender next time, but even if we do that, there are no guarantees that we'll be able to tell. Early on in this pregnancy, I felt like it was a boy. Over the past few days, I've been thinking it's a girl. I think I even dreamed about having another girl, though my dreams are chaotic lately and it's hard to remember where the line falls between thoughts and dreams.

Other than the regular midnight allergy party, and a few predictable aches and pains, this has been a problem-free pregnancy. Thank God. That's never a guarantee with any pregnancy, and my heart goes out to all the women who have suffered losses, and those who have endured high-risk and/or extremely uncomfortable pregnancies.

This time, unlike when I was pregnant with Rachel, I haven't felt like I've been pregnant forever. Roughly 3 years in between was a nice break.

I don't know what will happen with my job when baby #3 comes along. Well, I know I'll take some form of unpaid maternity leave when the baby arrives, because just surviving the early days will take all of my physical and mental energy. But beyond that, I don't know how the balance will shift. Natalie will start Kindergarten in the fall. Hard to believe I'm typing that; the years truly are short, even as the days are long. I will most likely keep Rachel in the Butterfly Garden, the preschool that the girls and I have both loved. There will be plenty of one-on-one time between baby and me on those days when the girls are both in school. That will be a nice change from when Rachel was born.

Rachel and Natalie are so closely bonded. It will be an adjustment for Rachel when Natalie goes to Kindergarten; they've rarely been apart for more than a few hours at a time. Heck, they seem to grow bored and miss each other even when they're just separated by naps. Even that is exceedingly rare; they still take a nap at the same time every day. Well, most days. I don't know how we have held on to naps this long. I've held on for dear life, even though I'm sure I'll adjust when that sweet nap time comes to an end.

Rachel said one day recently, "I don't need friends. I just want Natalie." It was in the context of a conversation with me about school and schoolmates. Rachel has a big independent streak, and doesn't seem to crave social interaction the same way Natalie does. Rachel definitely has her social side, too, it's just not necessarily her default mode. As with just about everything else in life, Rachel wants to socialize on her own terms.

They've grown up so much. They're showing their capabilities in so many ways. Natalie has taken a huge leap forward in patience, forbearance, grace. She's penitent when she thinks she's done something wrong. The other day, she sulked off to her room after I (gently, I hope) called her out for snatching food off Rachel's plate. Rachel had yelped in protest. I told Natalie, as I often do, that she wouldn't like it if Rachel took her food. When Natalie left the room, I thought she was upset with me for calling her out. Five minutes later, she emerged with a sunny look on her face from her room, and I asked her if we could chat. She nodded yes. I sat her on my lap and asked her if she was upset with me for telling her not to take Rachel's food. To my surprise, she answered that she was mad at herself for taking Rachel's food. I told her that we all make mistakes and lose control sometimes. I also told her that there is so much I admire about her, that she's become so patient, so kind and giving. She brightened. We hugged and she went on about her day.

It surprises me that they're not at the point of vying for equal treatment. I remember so many, "it's not fair! He got more than me!" moments between my younger brother and me. Maybe the girls haven't hit that stage yet.

I see that it's 3:30, and that's the time I usually pick to go back to bed, hoping that the Benadryl will kick in by the time I'm no longer vertical. I sleep somewhat elevated. "Sleep" is the optimistic term, but it will be rest, and rest is better than nothing. I'm actually more at peace with this insomnia than I have been with insomnia in years. Somehow it's just easier to accept the less savory parts of reality these days. Since I had kids, maybe. Or perhaps it's part of growing older. Whatever it is, I like it.