Late night update

Well, this is a long overdue update, isn't it?

I'm up in the middle of the night, as I am every night lately, thanks to lingering congestion from this year's round of Cedar Fever. Oh, and I'm pregnant. That might have something to do with the congestion, too.

Yeah, wow, Linton baby #3 is on the way! The due date is July 5, 2014. Natalie is now 4-1/2, and Rachel's 3rd birthday is coming up mid-February. They'll be 5 and 3-1/2, respectively, when the baby arrives. Of course, I don't know how things will play out. It's never easy having a baby, but I think this time it might be somewhat easier than when I had Rachel, when Natalie was 19 months old, and not in any kind of childcare program. The girls go to preschool Monday-Wednesday-Friday now.  I have a part-time, work-from-home job now, since almost a year ago. Lots of things have changed.

To answer the obvious baby questions: No, this was not an accident. We did this on purpose. We're hoping for a healthy, happy baby, and gender isn't much of a factor for us. Lots of people want us to have a boy, since we already have two girls. We won't be able to find out what we're having for at least a week, at the 18-week appointment, or possibly a month after that, at the 22-week appointment. Maybe I can sweet talk the midwife at the birthing center into giving me a quick sonogram to take a peek at gender next time, but even if we do that, there are no guarantees that we'll be able to tell. Early on in this pregnancy, I felt like it was a boy. Over the past few days, I've been thinking it's a girl. I think I even dreamed about having another girl, though my dreams are chaotic lately and it's hard to remember where the line falls between thoughts and dreams.

Other than the regular midnight allergy party, and a few predictable aches and pains, this has been a problem-free pregnancy. Thank God. That's never a guarantee with any pregnancy, and my heart goes out to all the women who have suffered losses, and those who have endured high-risk and/or extremely uncomfortable pregnancies.

This time, unlike when I was pregnant with Rachel, I haven't felt like I've been pregnant forever. Roughly 3 years in between was a nice break.

I don't know what will happen with my job when baby #3 comes along. Well, I know I'll take some form of unpaid maternity leave when the baby arrives, because just surviving the early days will take all of my physical and mental energy. But beyond that, I don't know how the balance will shift. Natalie will start Kindergarten in the fall. Hard to believe I'm typing that; the years truly are short, even as the days are long. I will most likely keep Rachel in the Butterfly Garden, the preschool that the girls and I have both loved. There will be plenty of one-on-one time between baby and me on those days when the girls are both in school. That will be a nice change from when Rachel was born.

Rachel and Natalie are so closely bonded. It will be an adjustment for Rachel when Natalie goes to Kindergarten; they've rarely been apart for more than a few hours at a time. Heck, they seem to grow bored and miss each other even when they're just separated by naps. Even that is exceedingly rare; they still take a nap at the same time every day. Well, most days. I don't know how we have held on to naps this long. I've held on for dear life, even though I'm sure I'll adjust when that sweet nap time comes to an end.

Rachel said one day recently, "I don't need friends. I just want Natalie." It was in the context of a conversation with me about school and schoolmates. Rachel has a big independent streak, and doesn't seem to crave social interaction the same way Natalie does. Rachel definitely has her social side, too, it's just not necessarily her default mode. As with just about everything else in life, Rachel wants to socialize on her own terms.

They've grown up so much. They're showing their capabilities in so many ways. Natalie has taken a huge leap forward in patience, forbearance, grace. She's penitent when she thinks she's done something wrong. The other day, she sulked off to her room after I (gently, I hope) called her out for snatching food off Rachel's plate. Rachel had yelped in protest. I told Natalie, as I often do, that she wouldn't like it if Rachel took her food. When Natalie left the room, I thought she was upset with me for calling her out. Five minutes later, she emerged with a sunny look on her face from her room, and I asked her if we could chat. She nodded yes. I sat her on my lap and asked her if she was upset with me for telling her not to take Rachel's food. To my surprise, she answered that she was mad at herself for taking Rachel's food. I told her that we all make mistakes and lose control sometimes. I also told her that there is so much I admire about her, that she's become so patient, so kind and giving. She brightened. We hugged and she went on about her day.

It surprises me that they're not at the point of vying for equal treatment. I remember so many, "it's not fair! He got more than me!" moments between my younger brother and me. Maybe the girls haven't hit that stage yet.

I see that it's 3:30, and that's the time I usually pick to go back to bed, hoping that the Benadryl will kick in by the time I'm no longer vertical. I sleep somewhat elevated. "Sleep" is the optimistic term, but it will be rest, and rest is better than nothing. I'm actually more at peace with this insomnia than I have been with insomnia in years. Somehow it's just easier to accept the less savory parts of reality these days. Since I had kids, maybe. Or perhaps it's part of growing older. Whatever it is, I like it.

Upside-down girl

So, about 2-1/2 weeks ago, Rob started a new job. Almost two weeks ago, Natalie started Mother's Day Out on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, 9:30 - 1:30. It has been a heck of a transition for our little family.

Rob's old job was in the Riata complex, only a couple of miles from our house. He biked to work practically every day, and it worked well. They were very accommodating of our family's needs, and even allowed him to work reduced office hours from the time Rachel was born until she was three months old. He worked the rest of the hours from home, after the girls went to sleep at night. Pretty nice, huh? The schedule he left was M-F, 7-4, basically.

The new job is better for him in many ways, but the commute is a killer, at least for me--he's now gone from 6:30-5:30. Eleven hours without Daddy, every day. He does a combination of bike and bus, but there's really no way to make the commute faster than 1-1/2 hours each way unless we buy a second car. My driving him to work isn't practical anymore--who wants to be stuck on a round-trip cross-town rush hour commute with two babies in the car?

Thankfully, the weather finally cooled off from the 110's to the lower 90's this past weekend. Yeah, there have been wildfires, too. Scary and tragic. So many people have lost so much. I cried watching the news. My parents in Dripping Springs had to evacuate to our house when the Pedernales One fire got to be 3 miles away and the wind pointed it toward their subdivision. Fortunately firefighters got the upper hand on it and my parents were able to return home within a few hours.

So, Natalie started MDO last week. Tuesday went great, no tears until I picked her up, and the teacher said Natalie was happy all day until another little girl accidentally stepped on her foot. But it was past her normal naptime, and I expected some fussiness. She fell asleep in the car. I transferred her to bed when we got home, and she slept 2 hours.

Thursday went horribly. Rachel and Natalie both woke up at 4:30AM and didn't nap at all before we got to school to drop Natalie off. Natalie started saying, "I don't like it. I don't want to go," as we got to the outside doors. Inside she burst into tears and I had to force myself to leave her while she was still crying hard. I felt like a terrible mother. Even worse: at 11:00AM after I got home, it dawned on me I'd left the cellphone in the car. My heart sank as I picked it up and checked voicemail. Her teacher had called at 10:30, thirty minutes prior, for me to come get her. She was beside herself when I finally came and picked her up. The rest of the day didn't get any better. By the end of it, I was a mess myself.

This Tuesday I had to drop my sister-in-law, Jane, off at the airport, after a wonderful long weekend visit. I had to drop Natalie at school first, then drop off Jane. Natalie started crying as we got out of the car. I had brought her a little too early, which made for a longer, tougher goodbye. She was sobbing and screaming when I left. I almost went back to pick her up and never bring her to MDO again. But I didn't want to make a decision like that in the heat of an emotional moment.

Other moms have told me it takes a month, or 6-7 visits, for a child Natalie's age to acclimate to a new school. This feels pretty awful. I feel like I am being cruel and abandoning her. But I'm trying to stick it out, hoping she will actually like school and enjoy her friends and activities there. I'm giving it a month, I tell myself.

This morning, Thursday, went a little better. I started mentioning school in the morning before we left, and at first I thought I had made a big mistake. Natalie's lips started to quiver and tears came to her eyes. She asked me to carry her. She wanted to sit with me as I fed Rachel pureed pears for breakfast. As I pulled out her lunchbox, new backpack and drink cup, she kept saying things like, "I want to go read books! I want to go night-night!" Anything but go to school. Once, she said, "I don't like her." She got sad and got over it a couple of times. I made her the scrambled eggs she said she was suddenly hungry for. She played with them. I started to unbuckle her booster seat and get her down to put her in the car, and her tears started welling up again. "It's okay to be sad," I said, and hugged her close. She cried a little bit, hugged some more, then we went to the car. I asked her if she wanted her sunglasses, thinking maybe it might help if she wanted to hide behind them. She did.

It was about 9:27 when I left. School is 5 minutes away, and it takes us a few minutes to get out of the car, so I knew we would be a few minutes late.

We made our way slowly to the classroom. Her teacher and aide greeted her cheerfully and I put her things in her cubby. She said, "Mommy!" and I sat down next to her to give her a goodbye hug and kiss.

I expected the crying and screaming again, but it was only the trembling lip and downcast eyes this time. I hope and pray this means it is getting a little easier for her.

Update: Minutes after I posted this, I got a call from the school director, asking me to come pick up Natalie. The teacher suggested that I expect a call from her early in the day if Natalie's upset again next week. We talked about experimenting with early pick-ups for a while. Poor Natalie!